Jan 30, 2010

The Gospel is like Bowflex.

Six days ago, I had the pleasure of attending the BYU 244th Ward (Lanai), which is always a gold mine of interesting metaphors (a month ago, I heard someone testify about Tiger Woods and the film "2012" in the same paragraph). So, I was excited. Imagine my increased excitement as a counselor from the bishopric got up to the pulpit and opened his remarks with: "Hi, I'm Brother [so-and-so], and this week I bought a Bowflex." I was so excited, in fact, that I fell asleep. So I didn't hear the next ten minutes of his Gospel-Bowflex analogy, but according to what I hear, it was glorious. Let us now examine: in what ways is the Gospel like a Bowflex?

1. Our good friend Professor Wikipedia says, "Bowflex is the brand name for a series of exercise machines used for strength training and cardio training." Likewise, the Gospel is kind of like the 'brand name' for a series of principles and ordinances used for salvation and exaltation?

2. Wikipedia continues: "[Bowflex machines] are primarily sold through the use of infomercials." And hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Because, as you may know, the Gospel is also shared through television commercials. Perhaps T.V. hasn't quite become the most effective means of proselyting, but "isn't it about ... time?"

3. Speaking of time, exercising consistently with a Bowflex requires a considerable investment of time and effort (and money). Likewise, to live the Gospel also requires, well, everything. Disciples are commanded to be ready to sacrifice all they have. And if you've ever met a bodybuilder, they seem to be living under some similar commandment. The comparison is striking.

4. Bowflex machines can be dangerous, even for those who know how to use them. Wikipedia reports that in January 2004, about 420,000 Bowflex machines were recalled due to mechanical problems. Later, in November 2004, there was a recall of nearly 800,000. How does this relate to the Gospel? Well, not very well, unless you're an atheist.

Anyway. Looks like I ran out of steam on this one. I guess I'm just not insightful enough to be able to more deeply compare piety to pumping iron. Too bad I fell asleep during that talk.

Oh. And um... Amen.

Jan 21, 2010

The Gospel is like beer.

The Gospel is like a lot of things, including alcohol distribution. See, when I was a missionary, I went "tracting" (knocking on doors) all too often. During one of these tracting adventures, a man's Budweiser truck pulled into his driveway as we were knocking on his door. He got out and approached us and we introduced ourselves. As I explained what my companion and I were doing at his house, he seemed mildly interested in at least a short synopsis of what we would teach him, if hypothetically he were to invite us in. We gave him a miniature lesson. When trying to explain why God sends prophets, I took another look at this man's truck, and I said:

"You know, it's kind of like your profession. When you drive that truck, you represent the Budweiser company. As you distribute their product, you are acting on their behalf. Not just anyone can drive that truck. It has to be someone delegated by the company to go out - driving a truck with their name - to distribute beer. In a way, God sends prophets for the same reason. God is like the head of the Budweiser company, and prophets (or missionaries, for that matter) are His employees. We act on His behalf, and distribute His good word under His name and authority. It isn't ours (you don't produce your own beer to ship with that truck, now do you?), but we are given stewardship over it.

So, when there aren't any more prophets, the Gospel can't be distributed to everyone anymore. This is bad. Imagine a country without beer. Now imagine the beer is the Gospel. Basically, the Great Apostacy was akin to the days of Prohibition, and the Restoration is akin to the US Constitution's 21st Amendment."

He liked the analogy. I hope you do too.

I'm going to close by testifying that when the Second Coming happens, we will get to drink wine with Jesus, cause He was all about that in the New Testament days. That is all I have to say about that.

Amen.

Jan 11, 2010

The Gospel is like blockbuster films of 2009.


The Gospel is like a lot of things. The Gospel is kind of like that movie "Avatar," because Neal A. Maxwell said there are people on other worlds, and I think that if we find them, we should be nice to them.

The Gospel is kind of like those "Harry Potter" movies, because we're special and we have special powers. Well, not really powers, but, like, the Priesthood and stuff. And we should share our testimonies with muggles.

I saw a movie called "Up" and it reminded me that we are all going "up," into Heaven. An old man puts balloons on his house and floats it to South America. Balloons are like faith, and South America is like the Celestial Kingdom (but probably more dirty and dangerous). Anyway, the Gospel is like a Disney-owned CGI-centric film company that got big because of a Tom Hanks cowboy and a Tim Allen spaceman.

There was this film called "Angels and Demons" in theaters recently and it just reminded me of how blessed we are to have the Restoration. Seriously, so blessed.

The Gospel is like "2012," because, um, well, the world is going to end and we had better be ready. But in the film, the sun hates us, and in real life, the Son loves us. Get it? Sun and Son? The Gospel is like my cleverness: infinite. Just kidding! But seriously, I want to close with my testimony that the world will end in 2012.

Amen.