Satirically employing bad metaphors for the good word.
Dec 6, 2010
The Gospel is like "Terminator."
It has been too long since my last entry, but that's not because I've been blog-lazy; it's just that I haven't heard any really bad metaphors in church in a while. All that changed yesterday. The following is only slightly exaggerated:
The Gospel is like the 1984 James Cameron film "The Terminator," starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. See, in the film, robot-Arnold is sent back in time from a dystopian robot future, so he can kill Sarah Connor before she gives birth to Batman. And we all know how devastating that would be. It would change the course of history, just by getting rid of one lady.
And that's why it's like the Gospel. We can change the course of history, too. Learn about firearms now, so that in twenty years you can become the leader of the resistance. Repent now, so that in twenty years you can become a Bishop. You get the idea.
Also, in "The Terminator," Arnold is a Bad Guy, but in "Terminator 2: Judgment Day," which came out in 1991, Arnold is reprogrammed (by Batman) to be a Good Guy. This is just like conversion. We just need to offer our circuits to the Lord and He can reprogram our sins and replace them with awesome.
Reprogrammed [converted], we might still have to sacrifice ourselves into a lava pit to save mankind, but at least we will have discovered the meaning of humanity. And we're coming back in the third and fourth movies anyway.
I'm curious as to how many other violent R-rated 80s sci-fi movies I'll hear preached about from the pulpit in the coming months. I hope this guy does Blade Runner next.
Indeed, "the Gospel is like a lot of things." But it is not like everything. The aim (or "work and glory," if you will) of this blog is to poke fun of bad analogies that people could use for explaining Gospel principles. Since this is, of course, satire, many things will be exaggerated, but a surprising number of things you read here come from actual metaphors I have heard people say from the pulpit.
As a hopefully needless disclaimer, do not take anything you read here to be official doctrine. Some of it will probably even be false doctrine. I wash my hands.